We All Need to Think More Charitably
How being generous with our assumptions of others can help turn even the Monday-iest Mondays around.
I had a bad day at work the other day. Not “I’m going to quit, buy a sprinter van, and start a #vanlife instagram” bad, but pretty bad.
Bad enough that I took multiple tea and TikTok breaks.
Bad enough that I changed back into my pajamas.
Bad enough that I moved my office temporarily to the sofa and pulled my duvet up to my chin.
What made my day take such a spectacular nosedive?
A simple misunderstanding with a colleague. I know — so not a big deal. But at the time, when I was in the thick of it, I felt awful. And it got me thinking.
I’d made a simple mistake. There were two outlines instead of one, and I used the ‘wrong’ one to complete my side of the project. It was like my colleague and I were speaking different languages. And it was frustrating!
The worst part was our short, sharp responses to one another in the chat. Both of us were frustrated, both of us were tired, and neither of us had a clue what the problem was.
But the solution was right there in front of our faces.
We should have been thinking a lot more charitably about the intentions and understanding of one another.
We’d both assumed the worst from each other and only got the worst sides of ourselves in return.
How the Heck Do I Think ‘Charitably’?
I get it. It sounds weird, right? It sounds like I’m considering donating my thoughts to someone else. But charitable thinking is actually much more generous, and I think, more important than that.
If you’ve ever taken a Philosophy 101 class or were on the debate team in high school, you should already know this. I say should, because I know I technically did. I’d just obviously forgot… whoops.
Thinking charitably is about assuming the best possible interpretation of what someone says or does to you to avoid blaming them for something they weren’t actually saying or doing to you in the moment.
Let’s say you and a friend have just seen Dune in cinemas. You loved it. You loved the music, the action, Timothee Chalamet’s angular face.
On the other hand, your friend says that the whole thing was boring. “Come on,” they say, rolling their eyes, “Nothing happened.”
Now, you could assume that they are discounting all of the stuff that did happen. You get upset. It’s a personal affront. You feel your face get hot, and you gear up for a heated debate. That’s uncharitable thinking at work.
The charitable view of their perspective might be that they feel as though some of the parts that they loved from the book were not included. Your interests, taste in film, your person doesn’t even come into it.
You could reply with, “I get you. They didn’t even put in that great scene where [insert spoiler I would never include]. It would have made the ending much more intense.”
Don’t get me wrong: you do not have to agree with someone’s ideas to think charitably.
It’s about understanding that people do not express themselves perfectly 100% of the time. It’s about recognizing that sometimes, people aren’t out to get you or being deliberately obstinate and cruel. Instead, they were reading the wrong outline all along.
It’s a Teacher Thing.
If I think about it, I learned this technique when I worked as a teacher. In Doug Lemov’s Teach Like a Champion, I read about the Fundamental Attribution of Error — how we tend to attribute the errors others make to their character or personality.
In TLaC, Lemov recommends combating this fallacy of thought by always assuming the best.
Did little Johnny shout at little Sammy because he’s a bully? Probably not. Maybe Johnny got annoyed at Sammy for not listening to him talk about Minecraft.
Maybe the 32 fifteen-year-olds that won’t stop talking are unendingly bored with the lesson I didn’t have time to plan, rather than simply being disrespectful and rude.
When I started to assume the best from my students, everything changed. The kids seemed to like me more, which meant they learned more, which meant that they didn’t get stuck on their independent work as often, which meant that behaviour management in my classroom became much easier.
Final Thoughts
Thinking charitably can help soothe some classic misunderstandings like I had the other day. If I had assumed that my colleague had knowledge I didn’t, rather than feeling hurt and anxious because they were frustrated with me, I might have saved myself a meltdown.
But it’s not always appropriate.
Sometimes, your good intentions don’t matter. Occasionally, we make mistakes. We say the wrong thing and hurt someone, even if we didn’t mean to. There isn’t a more generous way to interpret what was said or done. And in those situations, it’s apology time.
Most of the time, though, assuming the most positive interpretation — of events, what has been said, or the actions of others — will save you, and the people you know, a lot of hurt and headache.
