Three Things You Need to Ask Yourself Before You Make a Big Decision
We’re always told we need to look before we leap. But what are we supposed to look for?
“It’s not about making the right choice.
It’s about making a choice and making it right.”
― J.R. Rim
Making decisions isn’t something I’m particularly good at. I am altogether the most indecisive, ineffectual, and anxious decision-maker I know.
I defer the simplest of decisions to chance or to my partner.
When I’m at a restaurant, I let my panic pick my entree. It’s called ‘panic-picking’ and it's basically where I wait until the server asks me what I want to eat to decide, based on the first entree to come to mind.
When my partner asks me if I would like a coffee or a snack, my answer is invariable: “Are you having one?” and I usually base my answer on his.
When my friends make weekend plans? I’m always “chill with whatever everyone wants to do” or “open to anything.” The reality is, I have choice-paralysis and I don’t want to let anyone down.
So when my partner asked me if I would consider moving back to Canada with him from the UK, I was honestly a little freaked out.
Making Decisions Is Hard
Since the 1980s, researchers have found that instead of making our lives easier, more freedom of choice means we become less motivated to choose. In the famous “jam study,” the group with the most selection in varieties and flavours of jam had the most challenging time making a decision. Decision paralysis is real, folks.
I eat the same thing for breakfast almost every morning because I can’t decide what I want to eat almost every morning. How on earth was I going to decide something this big?
You may be thinking, Now Steph, you made the decision to move to the UK in the first place. That was pretty decisive and brave. Is this any different?
And you’ve got me there. It wasn’t any different. Except for the fact that I’m a little smarter, albeit slightly more neurotic at 30 than I was at 23. I actually didn’t think about the decision to move to the UK. They offered me the job and a split second later, I was like, “Hell yeah, I’m in.”
But there was so much riding on it the second time around. So how do I make the decision now with my own apartment, a well-paying job, and a network of friends making me feel altogether settled? Do I stay where I’m comfortable or do I opt to become unsettled?
I had some time, and I knew I would need it. It was important to really think this decision through, so I wouldn’t feel regret about my decision later. Here’s what I did.
Step 1 — Establish the Advantages and Disadvantages of Each Choice.
The first thing I did was make a list of all of the pros and cons of staying in the UK, and all the pros and cons of coming home. It was a mammoth, lengthy spreadsheet that I gave myself a week to complete. Not working nonstop, mind you, just a week to add to it when something came to me.
For example, one pro of coming home was that visa-free, I would be able to pursue alternate career paths outside of teaching. Something that wouldn’t be possible in the UK for a few more years.
On the other hand, one con was that I would be giving up a solid, stable income and all the benefits that come with that. My lifestyle would need to change during that rocky period between careers.
I made sure my list was as complete and honest as possible. This is important for the next step.
Step 2 — Imagine the Complete Outcome of Each Decision.
For the next few weeks or so, I pretended that I had made my decision. First, I pretended that I had decided to stay in the UK. I reflected on how I felt in that hypothetical.
How would it feel to be in the UK with my friends? Would I be satisfied staying in my job for another few years? Would I be okay if that meant I had to remain without my partner if he decided he still wanted to go without me? How would I feel knowing he stayed for me, even though he wanted to go? Was this decision, even hypothetically, making me happy?
Then, I pretended to decide I was going home.
Suddenly, I felt this weight lift. I knew I would miss my friends, the kids, and my British home. I would miss the drizzly autumn and the chunky chips.
But I felt like I was gaining so much more back. I would have my family close by. I’d be able to finally pursue writing seriously. I wouldn’t have to end my relationship or be the reason my partner couldn’t realize his dreams. I would get my maple syrup back, my snowy winter mornings back, and I would be home.
I was beginning to feel like I knew what I wanted.
Step 3 — Commit to One Decision, Properly and Un-Hypothetically This Time.
If you’ve read some of my other work, you might already know what I decided. I decided to come home and change careers.
It was really hard, and there were a lot of tears. Coming home mid-pandemic was fraught with red tape and uncomfortable decisions. But I don’t regret my decision.
But I made one decision, and I did stick with it. Knowing that when I came through all the stress, heartache, paperwork, and lateral flow tests, I would still be happy with my decision.
Final thoughts
Making big life decisions is never easy. There is nuance, context, and outcome to consider. And just because you make a decision, doesn’t mean you’ll be happy with it. You might regret it.
You might not be able to stick it out. That’s okay too.
You might not have the luxury of time to make your life-changing decision. You may have to decide to take that job or move across the country or open yourself to the opportunity of the century in a few hours, a couple of days, or a few weeks tops.
Being under such extreme time constraints means that your decision-making is made decidedly more difficult, but not quite impossible.
Take the time to reflect as fully as you can on each decision and all of the outcomes, good and bad, and I have faith you’ll make the one that is right for you.
