Conducting Social Experiments on Yourself

Trying new things can be scary: many of us would rather stick with what we know. But if you’re in a rut or just want to make some small, positive changes — here’s how to get experimental!

Photo by Alex Kondratiev on Unsplash

When I was a kid, I was told that we get a lot of growing out of the way by the time we’re five years old. And that, try as I might, I was essentially always going to be the same person at my core from that point.

I know now that this is an extremely uninformed opinion.

It’s not based on science.

It’s not true when we look at child psychology.

And even if all that weren’t true, it hasn’t ever felt quite true to me.

So what is the truth?

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Your “self” is a lot more fluid than you think.

People will say, “I just don’t handle conflicts well, so I avoid them at all costs.” And then they dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge resolutions time and again.

In the ruins of the trusting, supportive relationships this behaviour destroyed, they’re left with the crushing disappointment of another example of how they don’t handle conflict well.

They leave it at that.

And it’s not that uncommon a scenario. We all have things about us that seem to have immutable characteristics. They are just who we are. And so we don’t change. And because we don’t change, nothing else changes either.

Maybe you have a really bad temper and lash out.

Maybe you’re really socially anxious, so you just stay home. Even though you really wish you could go out and make friends sometimes. Even though staying at home alone is really, well, lonely sometimes.

Maybe you have a hard time keeping plans because you’re chronically late.

Maybe your house is always a mess because when cleaning day comes around, you feel so overwhelmed by everything that needs doing that nothing gets done. So you just assume that cleaning isn’t your bag.

But none of that is true.

You are not the sum of your struggles.

Changing, growing, and learning are all lifelong processes. Who you are now is miles away from who you will be, who you could be, if you gave yourself the space to try new things.

But the new unknown is scary. Stepping out of your comfort zone doesn’t guarantee any life-changing benefits, either.

With no guarantees of success, or even comfort on the other side, it all just seems too risky.

You’ve made it thus far, just as you are.

Why change a thing?

Life is growth, rest, decay, and resurgence. A series of cycles. And you’re missing out if you don’t try something new once in a while.

This is something I’ve been trying to embrace more in 2024: experimenting with who I want to be.

And I mean that literally. Ya girl is conducting social experiments on herself.

What are my experiments?

I realized pretty late in the last year that if I concentrate on how different things will be if I make this change or build this new habit, I overthink myself out of the follow-through.

So, I’ve reframed my thinking around my personal growth. There’s no more, “This is me now, no going back.”

I’m not trying to give anything up cold turkey or completely transform my life.

It never sticks.

And when it doesn’t stick, I feel like I failed.

And that failure finds its way into every crack in my armour.

So what do I do instead?

I give myself a specific goal and set a timeline for it.

I record how I feel daily in my journal before, during, and after that timeline. I reflect on how this experiment has made me feel compared to how I felt without it. And then I decide whether this new habit is sustainable. Does it add enough to my life to keep it?

Let’s look at an example. Remember earlier when I gave that highly specific example about alone time and social anxiety?

Well, that was based on a true story — my story.

This year, I decided that going from saying “No” to everything to saying “Yes” to everything was way too much all at once. I was surely just asking for burnout.

So I said to myself, let’s find a club I can go to. I’ll go every other week for two months and see how I feel at the end.

And that’s exactly what I did. To make the habit easier to keep up with, I found a knitting club that was less than a ten-minute walk from where I lived.

There are two key things at work here:

1. I made my habit easy to do by picking a club so close to home. That way, I couldn’t chicken out and then scapegoat a 30-minute bus ride.
2. I picked a hobby that I know I like and that I could easily talk about for hours. This was more helpful for the social aspect, which was the bit I was most worried about. I would have plenty to talk about before I knew anything about my fellow knitters.

And then I just did it. I made no excuses, and I didn’t go back. I said I’d do it, and I was going to be accountable as hell.

Guess what? I made some lovely friends. My confidence grew.

What’s most unexpected is that I actually realized I was hungry for more.

So I tried a new experiment — one that more than one person has pointed out is a pretty big departure from the first: improv comedy classes.

Dudes, it’s been the best decision I have ever made.

I would have never done it even six months ago, but my knitting club experiment gave me the confidence to make the jump.

I’m so excited to see what this experiment is going to give me.

So you say you want to conduct your own?

If you’re ready to try some experimenting of your own, here’s how I did it:

• Decide on a habit to test. If doesn’t have to be anything big. It could be trying to go for a walk around your neighbourhood every other day for a month. It could be joining those dance classes you’ve been thinking about for years. It could be trying a new vegetable each week to get more variety into your diet. Just don’t get too ambitious right off the bat — make it something small and easy to do.
• Monitor your progress. Use your journal to track how you feel before, during, and after. Think about how good it feels to get some sun on your face. Think about how energized you feel after those dance classes. Reflect on how cool it is to talk to people who aren’t your partner or pets.
• Keep momentum. If you miss a day or two, that’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. Just commit to not missing the next one. And re-up that commitment every time you slip up. Re-up it even when you don’t slip up. Starting again after time off is much harder than if you just keep showing up. Momentum is a powerful thing!
• Compare before vs after. I’m not saying you necessarily need to take progress pics or anything (though if you find it helpful, then give ‘er). Just reflect on how you felt at your “baseline” compared to now. Do you still get those pesky bouts of loneliness when you’re isolating yourself in anxiety? Or is your time around others making time with yourself more pleasurable? Do you have newfound confidence from learning how to accurately and effectively kick someone in the goolies in self-defense class? Doing this can keep you motivated to try even more new and scary things.

And in all of this, please be kind to yourself.

There is no point in conducting self-experiments if you’re going to bully, berate, or belittle yourself for doing or not doing. In growth, we make mistakes. We miss opportunities.

But then, we remind ourselves that life and learning are both journeys that will have peaks and valleys along the way. There will be brick walls to break down, hurdles to jump, hills to climb, and crushing defeat to contend with.

Be patient. And keep showing up for you.

Remember to assume your own best intent. You’re not stupid, bad, lazy, or useless for missing one walk around your block or staying home from run club because your glutes hurt so bad that you’re pretty sure you’ll never walk again.

You’re not missing any opportunities because there is anything wrong with you.

Change is hard. Learning is hard.

But the hard things are worth it because they usually lead to exciting things down the line: new skills, friends, and confidence. A better quality of life. Memories to savour when you’re 80.

Be kind to you so you keep showing up for you.

Experiments can be a fun way to learn about yourself. The whole point is to create a positive, fun, valuable impact.

Do you have to completely change your identity? Is a new habit going to cure you of all mental health struggles? No, and definitely not.

But experimenting with new things gives you the power to do both of those things. And when you are empowered to grow, heal, learn, and change, lots of other things just might fall into place too.

And how exciting would it be to meet a previously unknown side to yourself?

Can’t get enough of me writing about stuff I find exciting? I have a weekly newsletter on Substack where I dive deep into whatever has caught my attention each week. I can’t wait to see you there!